Mental Vegetables: Meatless brains for vegan zombies

4 Oct
zombie calendar

There's just something about vegan zombies that is just such a turn off.


“Brains! Brains!”

Yes, everyone loves eating brains. Especially at Halloween. But all you have to do is listen to talk radio to know the human brain is dangerously high in fat.

Fortunately, the folks at Garden Goodies have a solution. Introducing … Mental Vegetables!

They are the size, shape and texture of brains while being completely meatless. Many vegan zombies — and there is a growing number of them — swear they cannot tell the difference. They often compare them to the McBrains offered by McDonald’s a few years ago (with a side of lady fingers) in an attempt to cater to the zombie market.

They say they taste just like McDonald’s chicken which, in turn, tastes like wet cardboard and school paste.

Garden Goodies, a company I completely made up, is not alone in offering zombies meatless alternatives. There is a real honest-to-god company too. Jennifer Mendelsohn of Formula PR sent me a press release ballyhooing Veggie Patch’s Meatless Meatballs as a Halloween treat.

Poor Jennifer. Imagine her burden. Halloween is coming up. Forget all the candy. We have to get kids psyched about meatless meatballs.

“Can I go over to Jimmy’s house for Halloween? Please! Please! Please! His mom is serving meatless meatballs! They taste just like shredded newspaper!”

I mean, who wants candy when you can just eat the pinata?

Yet Jennifer is nothing if not valiant. She has all sorts of ways to distract kids from the fact they are eating $#@! meatless meatballs.

For instance, you can disguise them as eyeballs. Just serve them over a tomato sauce and top them with a sliced olive. Eewww! That’s disgusting! Hate to break it to you, Jennifer, but most kids would rather eat a real eyeball.

There’s always Bug Bean Salad. Chop black beans, edamame and kidney beans into different sizes. The black beans represent ants, the edamame are grasshoppers and the kidney beans are beetles.

Show of hands, even among vegans. How many of you would eat that instead of a “fun-size” Nestle’s Crunch bar? (Fun-size gets quotes, by the way, because I see nothing partiuclarly fun about a candy bar the size of my pinky toe. Now a four-pound bar? That would be fun. Still, anything beats the hell out of beans.)

“If you’re interested in more Halloween-inspired foods or delicious recipes to make vegetable eating fun, I’d love to connect you with celebrity chef Missy Chase Lapine,” Jennifer says.

Uh, Jenn? First of all, I try very hard in life to avoid women named Missy. Secondly, anyone interested in healthy and/or vegetarian Halloween treats is really unclear on the whole concept of the holiday.

Halloween is supposed to decadent and depraved. Leave “Ozzie and Harriett” for Thanksgiving. It’s time for “The Addams Family.”

Now shut up and pass the brains.


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