How did our ancestors ever survive with unlocked toilet seats?

7 Sep
baby on board

Lock your toilet seats. Statistically, babies are much more likely to fall in when left unattended while reading George Will's column. Thank God no one reads newspapers anymore.

September is National Baby Safety Month.

It is also National Blueberry Popsicle Month, National Piano Month, National Courtesy Month and International Square Dancing Month (yeah, like any country but America is lame enough to square dance).

September is also (my favorite) National Fall Hat Month.

However, only one of these observances asks that you lock your toilet. And No, it’s National Blueberry Popsicle Month.

Danielle from Media Practice tells me parents everywhere should remember to lock their toilets because, really, your kid could fall in.

Weird. After he’s been in the bathroom for 30 minutes, I always ask my son if he’s fallen in or watching a “Planet of the Apes” marathon. I had no idea this was a genuine problem. The falling in, that is, not the ape movies.

However, the CSPC reports that two children died from drowning in unlocked toilets in 2002. This is extremely troubling. Why does Center for Sex Postive Culture care about how many kids are drowning in toilets?

Oops. Sorry. My bad. You can’t always go with the first thing that pops up on Google.

That would actually be the Consumer Products Safety Commission. The nine-year-old statistic is the freshest one available, but you can bet your boots that other kids have fallen into toilets since then.

Somehow, I can’t get the image of “Lidsville” out of my head. You remember that show? Butch Patrick from “The Munsters” falls into a giant top hat and ends up in a land ruled by Sid and Marty Kroft where everyone is a hat with arms and legs.

God knows what happens when you fall down a toilet. It would, however, explain all those urban legends I intend to make up about children riding alligators in the New York City sewer system.

I should not joke. Two children died nine years ago. We should all lock our toilets. Or we could keep an eye on our kids. The Consumer Products Safety Commission or the Center for Sex Positive Culture (one of those) reports 90 percent of accidents involving small children could be prevented if parents and caregivers didn’t have the IQs of whale turds.

PR flak Danielle says there are five steps toward baby safety:

1. Lock toilet lids.
2. Inspect your home from baby’s point of view.
3. Eliminate small toys and other objects.
4. Install self-closing outlet covers.
5. Shop for a safe crib. (Dang! But that one with spikes fits in so well with the theme of the nursery!)

Why can’t we boil all this down to, “Be an attentive parent and don’t leave small children unattended”?

I am allowed to ask that question. Sept. 28 is National Ask a Stupid Question Day (the day after National Crush a Can Day).

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